Redefining myself.....yet again.......

A new milestone has been reached...one that I am not entirely sure I am ready to acknowledge.   My "baby" has turned 20 years old today!  Where did the time go???  While I am proud of the young woman she is becoming, I mourn the loss of the girl she was.  I have been trying to prepare for this day for months now...no more "kids" but "young adults" in my posts.  I thought it would help ease the transition but I was wrong.  

My adult life has been one of transitions...the first being "Before John" and "After John".  My world was turned on its axis when I met John...for the good that is.  He has taught me so much about myself, love, and life that I can't even describe the way my world has changed.  We met in October, became engaged in December, and were married in June.  We left for a new "military" life hundreds of miles from home and our first year together was one spent getting to really know each other and how different the world is when you have someone to share all that is out there.  It was a year for adventures as mundane as learning to manage time, money, and resources.  It was also a year for adventures like moving across several states, making new friends, and setting up our own household.

The next transition in life was "Before Patrick" and "After Patrick".  How naive we were to think that adding a baby wouldn't change our life that much!  Having had a miscarriage before becoming pregnant with Patrick (and another one when Patrick was only a few months old), we enjoyed every minute of this new life!  Even though exhaustion became the norm, we marveled at this little person we created.  Surely no baby was as smart, as beautiful, as special as this little fussy boy!  Talk about adventures...having this baby/toddler took adventures to a whole new level!  Reading well before he was two, Patrick kept us hopping to stay ahead of the game.  Some of our best and happiest years were while we lived in Texas with our little blond guy!  

While we lived in Texas, the next transition in life came knocking...."Before Elizabeth" and "After Elizabeth".  An unexpected blessing wrapped up in an angel wrapped up in a baby girl!  My sister had passed away unexpectedly in September and my extended family was mourning her loss.  Just before Christmas, I had a urinary tract infection that would not clear up....turned out that it wasn't just an infection but a baby!  Calculating out the date of her birth, we were blessed to find she was due almost exactly one year to the day of my sister's death.  I know it wasn't a coincidence. We weren't trying to get pregnant and I almost lost her nine weeks into the pregnancy.  She was a fighter, though, and held on until September.  She was such an easy, happy baby.  There never was EVER a baby as beautiful, sweet, and loving as this little girl with the long, long name! 

When Liz was 8 weeks old, we moved to New Jersey and I settled into what became "normal" life for us.  Patrick was five years old and in nursery school and I became "Mom of Preschooler and Baby/Toddler".  Such hectic years and they were gone in the blink of an eye!  I became "Elementary and Preschool Mom" and then just "Elementary Mom".  Years of volunteering and play dates, birthday parties and parent conferences...it's a blur now but I know that I was where I wanted to be.

I had no trouble adjusting to being the Mom of High School Students because I was so busy with "Team Mom" and "Driving Mom"...the years flew by in a myopic blur.

This transition, though, is difficult.  My "kids" no longer need me like they did when they were young.  Liz is off at college most of the time...new friends that I don't know, experiences that I am not a part of.  Patrick is still living at home, but he is working and has vast parts of his life that don't need me around.  I'm  not saying this is bad because it means that John and I did something right.  Our young adults don't really "need" us even though we do all enjoy being together.  It just leaves me wondering what to call myself now...how do I see these next years?

I guess now is the short window of time for me to do what I want to do for me...but what is that exactly?  All those years of doing what I had to do to keep our family running left me time to do a lot of things but now I have hours of empty time....what now???  I have a few things that I used to wonder if I would ever have time to do...but nothing as important as raising my family.  I'd like to do some organic container gardening, exercise more, maybe learn to play the celtic harp, and maybe start volunteering again.  When we were first married, I was a Red Cross Volunteer and I helped in the  Base Thrift Shop.  I would really LOVE to rock babies in the hospital, but I don't know if I qualify.  I would also LOVE to foster pugs but that has to wait until Ginger is no longer here...something I am in NO hurry to experience.  

So this transitional time I guess I will call..."Growing" time.  I am going to try to become a better person, a more productive person, and maybe get to know my husband again...just the two of us for the first time since 1987.  This may just be one of the most challenging parts of my life.....

Packing for Paris, Arriving in Amsterdam

Liz reminded me the other day about a story that you frequently see in reference to raising "atypical" children.  I don't know the author but the gist of the story is that having an "atypical" or "disabled" child is a lot like preparing for a trip to Paris...you study the language, pack the essentials, get your passport and board the plane (pregnancy).  Upon arrival, you disembark 
(labor and delivery) only to find that you are in Amsterdam (atypical) rather than Paris (typical)...things are almost but not quite what you expected them to be...just enough difference to cause difficulty and frustration.  I love this story because it really is true...but not only of "atypical" vs. "typical" but of life in general.  

I had a great pregnancy with Patrick...I was so healthy it wasn't even funny.  (With Liz, I had one difficulty after another and was, at one point, bedridden.)  John and I had absolutely no experience with babies...and I mean NONE!  We were clueless which, in a way, was good.  We were also on our own...no family nearby to bail us out which, again, turned out good.  I guess our expectations weren't "normal" because we didn't know what that meant.  So there we were in Amsterdam and we didn't even know it!  Patrick was, for us, the perfect baby...colicky and sleepless at first, but generally a happy, healthy baby.  And smart...did I add that?  He figured out how to stop his swing at 5 months, how to stand up in his high chair even with an extra safety belt before he was a year old, and he stacked his toys in his playpen to make steps and climbed out onto the coffee table when he was 11 months old.  He studied everything intently and was very social...especially to the ladies.  Everyone who met him, loved him.  He taught himself to read at 18 months on our trip from Indiana to Texas where John was newly stationed.  In 3 days, he was reading...I kid you not.  We thought, at first, that he was just recognizing logos, but he was actually reading.  He spoke in full sentences most of the time and the more complex the toy, the more he loved it.  Before preschool, he was able to read cursive as well as books and picture books, puzzles, and mazes bored him.  We were told that he was reading but not understanding...yeah, right.  He was bored in Kindergarten and I had to fight to get permission for him to take books from the nonfiction section of the library because "Kindergarteners only like picture books".  Patrick wanted to read about the solar system and computers...He won his first video game when he was 4 years old...within weeks of getting a system.  We thought all of this was "normal".  Apparently, we were wrong...at least according to the school.

I remember the day he started Kindergarten...I will never forget it.  We put him on the bus...a happy, excited little boy...."I finally get to learn!".  That little boy never came home...and I mourn him every day of my life.  He was bullied, teased, and told that he was "bad".  No one ever defended him except us and the principal told John that I "was too involved in Patrick's life".  By middle school, he was miserable and we were finally able to get the school to okay testing.  Long story short (too late, I know), Patrick was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome also known as High Functioning Autism.  He was book smart but unable to react appropriately to social cues from his peers.  He was comfortable with adults, but not with his age group.

The reason I tell this story is because we didn't know we were in Amsterdam until Patrick was 13 years old...you would have thought we would have figured it out earlier, but he was so good at adapting and covering.  But in my mind,
Amsterdam isn't that much different from Paris.  Here's the thing...every person...every family...has a burden to bear that others may or may not be able to see.  That burden may seem like nothing to someone else, but it can be huge to that person/family.  I always joked that we weren't a "normal" family because that would be boring and I know that I am anything but normal in any sense of the word.  I'm proud to be different and to be raising my young adults to be different.  Because of what we have faced in our journey as a family, we are all better for it...we are aware of the limitations people place on others and the barriers that are tossed in front of us.  My young adults are able to see beyond face value when they deal with people.  Not all the time, they would have to be saints to do that and they aren't saints.  

EVERY person/family has issues...some big, some small.  How we deal with them is what makes us who and what we are in life.  I like to think that the four of us are strong individuals who are compassionate, thoughtful people.  We usually give the benefit of the doubt...at least the first time!  

So, for my money, Paris isn't all it's cracked up to be...a lot of it is just a facade that makes it harder for people to live in the "real" world.  Amsterdam, however, is interesting, challenging, and life-changing and I'm kind of glad that we landed there instead.....life is good when you take it with a grain of salt and a lot of laughter.....

Nettlesome Neighbors.........

We purchased our "old" home in four hours...start to finish with the sellers coming down significantly on the price and offering to pay fees and points.  We thought we had a good deal...a great location (new part but still in same neighborhood as we had rented in for 6 years so no change in schools for the kids), excellent price from the original owner, etc.  Our "first" home rather than renting....we should have wondered why the owners made so many concessions and so quickly.  Now after 13 years, we know why they were so eager to sell and why we are so eager to sell this albatross and move on with our lives in a different neighborhood.  In a word...NEIGHBORS.  We had wonderful neighbors on one side and when they moved, wonderful people moved in, but those people are now long gone and while I speak to several of the neighbors who live further down the street, the glow of home ownership is long gone.  We have a neighbor...I know a lot of people have one of these but I honestly think that John and I could get along with just about anyone except the guy across the street and his wife.  They have mistreated and disrespected us from the day we moved in and, quite frankly, I can't take it any more.

He considers himself the "Sidewalk Mayor"...if you want to do something, you have to run it by him first.  Well, that didn't fly with us because WE pay the taxes on our home and WE pay the bills at our home.  His constant harassment has really taken a toll on our health.  He is a coward....he never comes right out and says or does it to our face, he goes behind our backs or cons someone else into doing something.  He says he is "afraid of him (John) because he is in the military and has a gun"...well, guns aren't standard issue for periodontists as far I am aware.  The police have become regular visitors to our home because he continues to "Nuisance" calls about us.  This summer alone, he has called the police about an "abandoned vehicle" in our driveway...a car that we don't drive often.  After proving that the license, registration, and insurance is current, the police apologize and leave.  Not getting what he wanted, he called the township zoning office and reported the "abandoned vehicle" again.  We received a letter from the township and after I called and explained the situation AGAIN, the guy apologized and the situation was over....or so we thought.  It turns out that our lovely neighbor called the County Board of Health concerning our "abandoned vehicle" and voiced his concern about his "Elderly Neighbors"....given that this guy graduated from high school before John and I were even IN high school, I find the call ironic.  The inspector came, I explained the situation, let him into our home with all the packing boxes and associated mess, and AGAIN received an apology with a statement that the case was considered closed.  I have to wonder what he will do now...Homeland Security??? State of New Jersey Health Department???  How many times does he get to call without being charged with false reporting???  How many times do I have to stop packing, or fixing a meal, or taking care of my family so that I can deal with these people by phone or in person???

I used to get really, really angry but I have meditated and prayed about this situation and I decided not to let my anger show because that is what he wants.  He is a bully....you play by his rules or he makes your life as miserable as he can.  No one in the neighborhood wants to be his next victim, so they either go along or try not to commit one way or another.  He must be a miserable person if all that he can find time to do is try to make us miserable.  Well, he gets his way....we are moving, but Mom always said, "Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it"....the next people may be harder for him to bully....maybe not, but karma has a way of evening things out.

As for me, I'm just going to pray for him and his family...they obviously need all the positive thoughts and energy they can get..........

Stepping off that Judgement Train

I recently had an "encounter" with someone that I once sort of knew in another time of my life and it has led me to some serious thinking about judging people.  This person, who shall remain nameless, has very liberal views and is very adamant about her views.  This is all well and good except that she chose to "attack" me on my views which tend to be conservative.  It really doesn't matter to me how anyone feels about a great number of issues...everyone has had a different life experience and that will shape his/her opinion.  For the life of me, I just don't get why it is okay to "attack" someone for having a different viewpoint.  Yes, I am conservative in my views most of the time...I don't believe I am "led" by journalists since I don't really watch television, listen to the radio, or read news magazines.  I am conservative in my views because I was raised in a conservative household.  I married a conservative man who proudly served in the United States Air Force for 20 years and now works for the Veteran's Administration providing the exact same health care that he provided while on active duty.  I am a Catholic  convert (when I was almost 30 years old), but I don't agree with everything the Catholic Church advocates.  There are things that I wouldn't do in my personal life that I believe is the right of others to choose to do in their personal lives.  I truly try to live my life without judging or lecturing others about what is "fair/unfair", "right/wrong", etc.  Everyone, even liberals, can be misled by the powers that be...it isn't just those of us who are conservative in our decisions that can be manipulated.  


So, please don't judge me for my rather conservative opinions and I will not judge you for your more liberal opinions.  Let's focus on making positive choices for ourselves and leave the negativity at the side of the road.  

Keeping promises to myself

I don't know why it is so difficult for me to keep the promises that I make to myself when I so easily keep promises I make to others.  I guess I assume that I'm not as important as other people but if I don't keep the promises I set for myself, then who will keep them?  During the Daniel Fast, it is suggested that you have a goal that you pray about during the 21 days.  I have a lot of things I could have chosen to work on, but I chose to work on making and maintaining friendships.  On the surface, deactivating my Facebook account for the summer would appear to be working against my goal.  I found, though, that I was more interested in what was happening online rather than in my little world.  Several people have reached out to me to see where I have disappeared and why and I truly appreciate their kindness...I was pretty sure that no one would miss me so it is nice to be wrong in this case.  


I have a friend that I saw once in a while and we'd say hello but we didn't have an opportunity to really touch base.  She's a busy woman and while I'm not as busy, I have neglected this friendship.  We were able to get together for coffee this past week and I came away from our hour together feeling happy that we had a chance to re-connect.  She spends time with my young adults in a work environment but I have missed the chitchat times we had when she lived next door.  It's been lonely in the neighborhood without her family sharing a property line!  When we first moved into our house, we loved the family who lived next door and we were sad and apprehensive when they decided to move to Delaware.  God had a plan, though, and we are so thankful that Libby and her family moved in next door!  The boys brought such happiness to us with their enthusiasm and curiosity!  When Ellie came along, it was such a joy to hold a baby girl again!  Libby has helped us navigate the challenges that Patrick has faced and continues to face with his Asperger's Syndrome and anxiety.  She has been a role model for Liz in her choice of study and career as well as just a really nice person to chat with "over the fence".  We were sad when they moved to the other side of the subdivision even though we knew they needed a bigger house with a growing family. It was especially hard when Madeline came along and we weren't next door to help out. They have given us so much by allowing us to be a part of their "family" and it means a lot to be able to honestly chat with someone who "gets" it.




So, I have kept that goal and I am going to continue to reach out and strengthen bonds that I have allowed to go slack.  When you live far from family, friends are so important to a happy, healthy life!  I only hope that we give back as much as we get!


Liz had her four impacted wisdom teeth pulled last Tuesday and with the heat wave and her pain, she had a rough week.  She is finally back to her old self again and the money that we invested in orthodontia has been protected!  


I have really been pushing myself to get things out of the old house so we can get it on the market asap.  So much "stuff"!  Right now I am just shoving it in boxes and hoping that I'll be able to find what I really need before I need it!  Things are progressing and I'm seeing more boxes labelled and stacked and less "stuff" scattered around the house.  I don't even know what we have anymore!  


I am trying to be mindful of what I eat...I had a bad day when I overindulged and boy did I pay the price!  Funny thing is....what I ate was a normal "pre-fast" meal.  I am trying to stay vegan as much as possible with the occasional meat meal and I have to have half and half with my coffee...but I'm trying and that is what matters.

The Daniel Fast--the Final Days

I did it!  I finished the 21 days without giving up or "cheating"!  I don't have a good track record with diet restrictions, so I was not sure that I was going to be successful this time.  I believe that the emphasis on the spiritual part of my life helped me with the physical part of the fast.  I stayed positive, I drank the gallon of water daily, and I really didn't have any serious cravings until the end was in sight.  The last two days were especially hard because I was really craving bread, meat, and coffee.  But, I did it with the help of God and my family!  Today I had my first cup of coffee in almost a month and instead of gulping it down as usual, I savored it.  Liz and I went to see "Magic Mike" and got frozen yogurt to celebrate.  I did feel light-headed for about 45 minutes or so after all that sugar, but I had a smaller serving than I would have gotten last month and I enjoyed every mouthful.  Tonight Liz is making Chicken Parmesan for dinner...I think she will continue to practice making dinner throughout the summer.  My mom never really let us help in the kitchen so I was really unprepared when I was out on my own.  Liz will be able to follow a recipe and eventually come up with her own recipes!  Good for her and good for me!  Speaking of Liz, she is getting all four of her impacted wisdom teeth removed tomorrow morning, so please say a prayer if you get a chance.  She is going to be sore and swollen for a few days but I am hopeful that she does okay.  She is like her father when it comes to these sort of things...she doesn't handle any sort of procedure or anesthesia well.  Thankfully, Patrick is like me when it comes to that sort of thing...we wake up feeling well-rested and hungry...lol


As for Facebook, it has been hard to be without it, but I am adjusting.  I don't want to become obsessed with it and a break through the summer will not only force me to do the things I keep putting off.

No more Facebook

In case anyone noticed (which I doubt), I have deactivated my Facebook account for the time being.  Maybe I'll start it up again in the fall when Liz goes back to school...maybe not.  As I've said in previous posts, I am trying to get rid of as much negativity in my life as possible.  I find that Facebook is a source of much negativity lately.  I have an addictive personality and checking my page countless times a day is really counterproductive for me.  If anyone really wants to get in touch with me, this blog is an option as well as my email which is cosmicmomma@yahoo.com.  

Daniel Fast--Day 16

Wow!  I've made it to the sixteenth day!  The time really has gone by quickly and I have only had a couple of times when I actually felt hungry enough to binge....but, I didn't!  Big progress for me!  I am seeing the weight loss, too...amazing!  The thing that makes this work for me when other fasts have failed is the prayer aspect.  If I feel I am slipping, I say a rosary or read a devotional message.  I really think that if I am vigilant, I can continue this new way of eating indefinitely.  I am going to allow myself some days of regular food...just not in the portion size that I used to be comfortable with...smaller portions, healthier foods...who is this person that I am becoming???  Liz has already planned our "big" day next week...my first day of "regular" food...lol  My family has been very supportive, especially my Liz.  I am so thankful for my family and the words of support that I've received from others...it means a lot to me.  The rest of this fast is really just me using up the food that has been leftover from the first two weeks.  If I run out, I have some brown rice, beans, tomatoes, and berries...so no obsessing and no big "cooking" day this week...time to enjoy the feeling of finally being in control of this part of my life!  I know I will have slips, but I am not going to beat myself up over them...I will just start fresh the next meal and go forward.  No more looking back and feeling bad...only forward and positive thinking as much as possible!

Daniel Fast--The First Week

Well, it is now Day 10 of this fast that I've begun...it has actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be!  I had a headache on days two and three but it wasn't as bad as some headaches I get and I was a little tired the first few days, but I feel like I have bounced back.  The digestive issues that I was worried about didn't bother me, in fact, the opposite has happened!  I had stopped eating raw vegetables several years ago except for an occasional salad when I knew I was going to be home for a few days.  The cramping and bloating I anticipated never happened!  My GERD is nowhere to be found and the other issues have disappeared as well.  This makes me wonder if I may have an allergy or sensitivity to any of the many additives and preservatives found in our food today.  I have had a few cravings, but nothing that a banana  with a drizzle of organic and sugarless peanut butter can't cure.  Liz even made brownies and I was not tempted in the least!  Speaking of Liz, she has stepped up and started making dinner for the family....bless her heart!  She wants to learn how to cook "real" food so John and I have been showing her the ropes.  She even made homemade chicken tenders for dinner the other night!


Mentally, I feel different...I don't really know how to explain it other than to say that I feel "lighter" somehow.  I am slower to anger, less agitated than normal, and I feel more in control of myself.  Maybe it is psychological or maybe it is that I'm taking time during the day to say the rosary and read positive affirmations.  Whatever it is, it is good so I am going to keep on doing it.


I don't feel that I've lost a significant amount of weight, but I didn't weigh myself at the start and I don't have a scale to weigh myself now.  I am more concerned that my cholesterol is going down since it was over 300 and I can't take the medications for it.  I don't ache as much....I still ache, but it is not as crippling as it was before this first week.  So, all in all, I think that this fast has been a positive step for me.  I am even considering staying on this modified vegan/vegetarian diet during the week for the near future.  I do miss my dairy--cheese, yogurt, etc.--so I am going to allow myself a little bit on the weekends as well as some meat...chicken mostly and eggs.  Two more weeks to go!


I must be eating less than other people because I still have food left over from the first week.  Here it is Wednesday and I am just now working on food for this week and it's half over!  I am making a double batch of vegetable soup since the kids thought it looked and smelled delicious last week, paella because I really loved it, Garden Bean Salad, Tofu and Veggie Scramble, and the Daniel Fast Shepherd's Pie.  Liz and I went to Trader Joe's last Saturday and I bought some things to supplement what I cook...veggie patties, bean and vegetable burritos, and hummus.  How have I missed hummus all these years?  Trader Joe's is a great place to find things without additives and preservatives and the prices are reasonable.  Everything is labelled so that you can tell pretty much at a glance what is in something.  I love that place!


Week Two will be a continuation of the new habits I have picked up and a little more playing with different foods.  I hated tofu when I tried it in the late '70's and the kids have assured me that it is better now, so that is my newest adventure...pretty boring that trying tofu is an adventure for me, but I try to make all of life an adventure!

Daniel Fast--Day Two

This second day of the fast has already brought challenges...I'm not surprised as I expected obstacles...no journey is without them.  I have had a headache since late last night...caffeine withdrawal plus a weather front moving in....sigh  It also doesn't help that Ginger (pug princess) sat on my glasses and they are crooked...lol  The readings for today included "Sanctified by Truth" and "School Days".  The first reading was about setting the purpose of this fast and fulfilling that promise...to honor the place God has given His chosen people.  What do I need to change in my daily life so that I am doing what He wills with my life here.  Quite honestly, I need to change a lot of things and I hope that I will but I know that without daily prayer and meditation, it is easy to lose my way.  So, this fast is to help me focus on what I can change so that I am a better person.  The second reading likened life to school....each day has a lesson to be learned and if it is not learned that day, then it repeats again and again until you are ready to move onto the next lesson.  Some days I can clearly see the obstacles in my path and other days....well, it's obvious I didn't learn the lesson.  I keep at it, though, and hope that one day I will be a person who, while not perfect, is better than I am now.  I had oatmeal with apples and spices for breakfast which was delicious....but I have always loved oatmeal...lolol  Lunch was a rosary....the prayers are coming back to me...and veggie soup.  The soup was very satisfying and quite tasty...this is one I will make again and share with the family.  I had a yummy pear as a snack...it has been quite some time since I enjoyed a pear!  Dinner was a stuffed pepper which was okay....I will make this again, but I think I will chop up the pepper instead of stuffing it...I didn't like it as much as my regular way of making stuffed peppers, but it was nutritious and filling.

So much to think about today....changes are hard to make and maintain but I am hopeful that this fast will give me the confidence to make at least some changes toward a healthier, happier, and more spiritual life...........

Daniel Fast--Day One

And so today is my first day on this journey.....I didn't get all the food made last night...my achy joints commanded me to stop.  I got all the breakfasts and dinners made and prepped for the soups.  I couldn't get to sleep until after 5 this morning...body aches and mind swirling...I questioned whether or not I could do this task I have set before me.  I know some people would think this was no big deal...a piece of cake (which I can't have for 21 days!) but, for me, it is a big deal!  Learning to recognize my body's signals and learning to have faith again is a huge step for me.  For too many years, I have struggled and given up because the task seemed too hard...for now, my mom's mantra..."One Day at a Time".  Some days, though, it will probably be one minute at a time but I am going to give it my best efforts.


The first 32-ounces of water went quickly.  I almost always wake up thirsty because of my apnea and the fact that I breathe through my mouth (snore!).  I read the Daniel Fast Devotional for today and thought about how I need to place God first in my life every day and how I haven't done that in a long, long time.  I ate my whole wheat cereal with banana and almonds and I made myself aware of each spoonful...the taste, the texture, and how it was filling my body's needs in a healthier way than sweetened cereal or poptarts!  


I am now at our "new" house making as much of the rest of the meals as I can and I am enjoying the preparation with fresh ingredients in a kitchen that makes cooking a joy!  I am so used to depending on a "quick fix" for meals that it takes actual thought to plan and cook real food.  When John and I were first married, I planned the menus for each week and cooked food in as healthy a way as I could do.  As the years have gone on, I've gotten lazy on so many fronts that it is terrible to admit that my family's health came second to the various tasks that confronted me...but I know I was stretched with young kids, a military husband, frequent moves, distance from family, and all that stuff that keeps us from being our best.  


I've managed to finish the soups and I'm almost done with the two salads...next package everything up in portions....ugh!  I think I'm going to skip making chapatis and roasted chickpeas for this week...John bought some fresh fruit and I will take advantage of it.  I am on my third! container of water but I often drink close to a gallon of water a day anyway and (fingers crossed!) no caffeine headache...yet


I ate a bowl of navy bean soup and said my rosary for lunch--so I fed my body and my spirit!  Dinner will be paella (and another rosary) and I will probably have 3 strawberries and a little bit of salad later.  My devotional reading for this evening is called "Many Rooms" and the focus will be on John 14:2.  I hope for some rest tonight so I can start Day Two rested and refreshed..........

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes and the Daniel Fast

I have decided to make some changes in my life...changes toward a more positive lifestyle.  The past few weeks have found me reading about the Daniel Fast and slowly trying to prepare myself for beginning this new journey.  I have cut down on snacking and have chosen what I do eat more carefully.  I know I need to become mindful of what I put into my body and the effect of that food on both my physical health and my spiritual health.  I am not going to weigh myself to keep track of pounds lost even though I do need to lose weight, get in shape, and lower my cholesterol.  This first fast, for me, will be a spiritual fast.  I have found myself further from God than I want to be and I pray this action I am undertaking will lead me back to a strong faith.  When I first became a Catholic, my mother-in-law was a huge influence on me.  Her faith in her daily rosary was inspiring and I vowed to say a rosary daily, too.  I did keep up with it until my second child was born and then I became overwhelmed with young children and life.  Depression followed and even though I got medical treatment, I never went back to my daily rosary.  In retrospect, I can see how much that daily prayer centered me, calmed me, and made me a better person.  Whatever arguments I may have with the Catholic Church as an institution, the truth is....the rosary and the ritual of it eases my soul and I miss it.  So this first time with the Daniel Fast is going to include readings and prayers to help my spirit and the weight loss will be a secondary, though welcome, part of my new routine.


I planned my 21 days of food...starting with easy recipes and lots of protein because I do have some health issues.  Later, I will add more vegetables, tofu, and fruit.  Liz went with me to the grocery store today and helped me in my hunt for the vegan/non-preservative food that I need.  Tonight I will prepare as much as I can and package it into individual servings so that temptation to overindulge is limited.  It was an expensive trip to the store, but with practice, I should be able to figure out what I need and ways to get it more cheaply...buying my vegetables and fruit at the roadside stands, for example.


My first week on the fast will be something like this:


~Take my morning medications
~Read the Daniel Fast Daily Devotional
~Breakfast of Apple Pie Oatmeal or Banana Wheat Bran Cereal
~Begin my first 32-ounce container of water


~Lunch of vegetable soup or navy bean soup
~Rosary
~Begin my second 32-ounce container of water


~Snack--apple, strawberries, or pear
~Begin my third 32-ounce container of water


~Dinner of Black Bean and Brown Rice stuffed Peppers or Vegetable and Bean Paella
~Rosary
~Begin my fourth 32-ounce container of water


~Snack of Garden Fresh Bean Salad, Persian Salad, Chapatis, or Roasted Chickpeas
~Devotional reading from "Wisdom Writings for Women" which I downloaded on my Kindle.


John and the kids have said that they would support me in this effort...so I hope that I can finally find some peace and some better health.  I love my family dearly and if I continue the path that I am on now, I won't be around as long as I would like to be.  Eating mindfully and healthfully should end up in a healthier body to go along with a healthier soul from prayer and devotional reading....at least that is my hope...........

Garbage In, Garbage Out........

A long time ago, in a different stage of life, I was a computer programmer.  I wasn't very good at it, but I did learn some things that I can apply to different aspects of my life.  One of those things that I learned is "Garbage In, Garbage Out".  In programming (at least when I was doing it in the age of punch cards), this meant that your data was only as good as what was put in the program.  If you didn't set the parameters exactly right, then your data wasn't reliable.  And so it is in life...if you don't set your standards just right, the results will probably not be what you expected or wanted.  If you let garbage in, for example, negative thinking, your life will be negatively affected.  If you set your standards to keep out the garbage, your results may well be better than you had expected.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well, it isn't....this is something that I struggle with on a daily basis.   For me, negative thinking is much easier than positive thinking.  There are three kinds of people:  The glass is half full people, the glass is half empty people, and the thankful there is even a glass people.  I would like to think that most days find me in the latter group but it is an effort.  The effort is worth the result, though, because my life is so much better when I let go of all negative things in my life...even if it's just for a few moments.  Negative people, negative thinking, negative habits, negative attitude....all need to be programmed out in order to get the positive results I want in my life.  It is definitely hard to make those cuts...especially negative people, but it is essential in order to keep a positive attitude of gratitude for the good things.  Envy, jealousy, greed, hatred....all these things are counter-productive to a successful life.  I wrestle with them daily...sometimes even hourly....but I don't want to be a negative thinking person.  It does sometimes appear that negative people get ahead while positive people suffer...but...that is negative thinking, too!  How sneaky it is that it can worm it's way into our mind without our awareness!  Life is a struggle in so many ways.  Learning to be thankful for the glass whether it is half full or half empty is my goal.  Garbage In, Garbage Out.......

What I want to accomplish

This is just for thoughts on life in general, my life in particular and random things that come to mind. Please don't  take offense as nothing is directed at anyone specific.  I am just trying to get my thoughts in some sort of order and make room for new ideas.

Life Advice to my kids..both born of my flesh and born of my heart

 Okay, you don't want to hear the words and maybe you won't even read the words, but I have to tell you anyway.

Life can suck....big time... and how you deal with it is a measure of your faith in yourself and how you fit into the world around you.  I wish I could promise you that there wouldn't be hurts, disappointments, rejections, and sorrows but the truth is that it isn't in my power to do so...believe me, I wish it were.  You have NO idea how much it hurts me when something is hurting you and I can't fix it.  You MUST believe me, though, when I say that there is NOTHING that can make you a failure but YOU when you give up on yourself. 

I know you are hurt and you feel like it's the end of the world, but it isn't.  Life will go on with a detour or a side trip, but it DOES go on.  If someone rejects you...it is THEIR loss, not yours.  You were born for a reason and even though you don't see it now, you will NOT be distracted from the purpose you were meant to achieve. 

Life is a bumpy, bumpy road.  The detours we take on the journey make us stronger, more resilient, and better.  What goals we set may not be the goals that were set for us when we were born.  We may have to keep trying over and over until it's the time that God (or Karma or Fate or whatever term you want to use) decides is right. 

Better people come into our lives, better opportunities arrive, but only if YOU KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF.  I can't do it for you.  I can and will always be standing right beside you to help you on your journey, but you have to remember that it is YOUR journey and not my journey. 

Unfortunately, sorrow and pain are part of learning and loving.  I will help you learn to get through it but I can't make it go away with a kiss or a hug or even a phone call.  You have to fight your battles.  I have given you all that I have so that you have a good foundation upon which to build your life but you have to provide the strength and the labor.

Nothing worth having comes easily...Adversity will make you appreciate your achievements.  It's an old saying, but it's true.  Don't fight the struggle and don't give up.  What you dream for yourself WILL happen if you continue to pursue it. 

Love,

Mom