Packing for Paris, Arriving in Amsterdam

Liz reminded me the other day about a story that you frequently see in reference to raising "atypical" children.  I don't know the author but the gist of the story is that having an "atypical" or "disabled" child is a lot like preparing for a trip to Paris...you study the language, pack the essentials, get your passport and board the plane (pregnancy).  Upon arrival, you disembark 
(labor and delivery) only to find that you are in Amsterdam (atypical) rather than Paris (typical)...things are almost but not quite what you expected them to be...just enough difference to cause difficulty and frustration.  I love this story because it really is true...but not only of "atypical" vs. "typical" but of life in general.  

I had a great pregnancy with Patrick...I was so healthy it wasn't even funny.  (With Liz, I had one difficulty after another and was, at one point, bedridden.)  John and I had absolutely no experience with babies...and I mean NONE!  We were clueless which, in a way, was good.  We were also on our own...no family nearby to bail us out which, again, turned out good.  I guess our expectations weren't "normal" because we didn't know what that meant.  So there we were in Amsterdam and we didn't even know it!  Patrick was, for us, the perfect baby...colicky and sleepless at first, but generally a happy, healthy baby.  And smart...did I add that?  He figured out how to stop his swing at 5 months, how to stand up in his high chair even with an extra safety belt before he was a year old, and he stacked his toys in his playpen to make steps and climbed out onto the coffee table when he was 11 months old.  He studied everything intently and was very social...especially to the ladies.  Everyone who met him, loved him.  He taught himself to read at 18 months on our trip from Indiana to Texas where John was newly stationed.  In 3 days, he was reading...I kid you not.  We thought, at first, that he was just recognizing logos, but he was actually reading.  He spoke in full sentences most of the time and the more complex the toy, the more he loved it.  Before preschool, he was able to read cursive as well as books and picture books, puzzles, and mazes bored him.  We were told that he was reading but not understanding...yeah, right.  He was bored in Kindergarten and I had to fight to get permission for him to take books from the nonfiction section of the library because "Kindergarteners only like picture books".  Patrick wanted to read about the solar system and computers...He won his first video game when he was 4 years old...within weeks of getting a system.  We thought all of this was "normal".  Apparently, we were wrong...at least according to the school.

I remember the day he started Kindergarten...I will never forget it.  We put him on the bus...a happy, excited little boy...."I finally get to learn!".  That little boy never came home...and I mourn him every day of my life.  He was bullied, teased, and told that he was "bad".  No one ever defended him except us and the principal told John that I "was too involved in Patrick's life".  By middle school, he was miserable and we were finally able to get the school to okay testing.  Long story short (too late, I know), Patrick was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome also known as High Functioning Autism.  He was book smart but unable to react appropriately to social cues from his peers.  He was comfortable with adults, but not with his age group.

The reason I tell this story is because we didn't know we were in Amsterdam until Patrick was 13 years old...you would have thought we would have figured it out earlier, but he was so good at adapting and covering.  But in my mind,
Amsterdam isn't that much different from Paris.  Here's the thing...every person...every family...has a burden to bear that others may or may not be able to see.  That burden may seem like nothing to someone else, but it can be huge to that person/family.  I always joked that we weren't a "normal" family because that would be boring and I know that I am anything but normal in any sense of the word.  I'm proud to be different and to be raising my young adults to be different.  Because of what we have faced in our journey as a family, we are all better for it...we are aware of the limitations people place on others and the barriers that are tossed in front of us.  My young adults are able to see beyond face value when they deal with people.  Not all the time, they would have to be saints to do that and they aren't saints.  

EVERY person/family has issues...some big, some small.  How we deal with them is what makes us who and what we are in life.  I like to think that the four of us are strong individuals who are compassionate, thoughtful people.  We usually give the benefit of the doubt...at least the first time!  

So, for my money, Paris isn't all it's cracked up to be...a lot of it is just a facade that makes it harder for people to live in the "real" world.  Amsterdam, however, is interesting, challenging, and life-changing and I'm kind of glad that we landed there instead.....life is good when you take it with a grain of salt and a lot of laughter.....

Nettlesome Neighbors.........

We purchased our "old" home in four hours...start to finish with the sellers coming down significantly on the price and offering to pay fees and points.  We thought we had a good deal...a great location (new part but still in same neighborhood as we had rented in for 6 years so no change in schools for the kids), excellent price from the original owner, etc.  Our "first" home rather than renting....we should have wondered why the owners made so many concessions and so quickly.  Now after 13 years, we know why they were so eager to sell and why we are so eager to sell this albatross and move on with our lives in a different neighborhood.  In a word...NEIGHBORS.  We had wonderful neighbors on one side and when they moved, wonderful people moved in, but those people are now long gone and while I speak to several of the neighbors who live further down the street, the glow of home ownership is long gone.  We have a neighbor...I know a lot of people have one of these but I honestly think that John and I could get along with just about anyone except the guy across the street and his wife.  They have mistreated and disrespected us from the day we moved in and, quite frankly, I can't take it any more.

He considers himself the "Sidewalk Mayor"...if you want to do something, you have to run it by him first.  Well, that didn't fly with us because WE pay the taxes on our home and WE pay the bills at our home.  His constant harassment has really taken a toll on our health.  He is a coward....he never comes right out and says or does it to our face, he goes behind our backs or cons someone else into doing something.  He says he is "afraid of him (John) because he is in the military and has a gun"...well, guns aren't standard issue for periodontists as far I am aware.  The police have become regular visitors to our home because he continues to "Nuisance" calls about us.  This summer alone, he has called the police about an "abandoned vehicle" in our driveway...a car that we don't drive often.  After proving that the license, registration, and insurance is current, the police apologize and leave.  Not getting what he wanted, he called the township zoning office and reported the "abandoned vehicle" again.  We received a letter from the township and after I called and explained the situation AGAIN, the guy apologized and the situation was over....or so we thought.  It turns out that our lovely neighbor called the County Board of Health concerning our "abandoned vehicle" and voiced his concern about his "Elderly Neighbors"....given that this guy graduated from high school before John and I were even IN high school, I find the call ironic.  The inspector came, I explained the situation, let him into our home with all the packing boxes and associated mess, and AGAIN received an apology with a statement that the case was considered closed.  I have to wonder what he will do now...Homeland Security??? State of New Jersey Health Department???  How many times does he get to call without being charged with false reporting???  How many times do I have to stop packing, or fixing a meal, or taking care of my family so that I can deal with these people by phone or in person???

I used to get really, really angry but I have meditated and prayed about this situation and I decided not to let my anger show because that is what he wants.  He is a bully....you play by his rules or he makes your life as miserable as he can.  No one in the neighborhood wants to be his next victim, so they either go along or try not to commit one way or another.  He must be a miserable person if all that he can find time to do is try to make us miserable.  Well, he gets his way....we are moving, but Mom always said, "Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it"....the next people may be harder for him to bully....maybe not, but karma has a way of evening things out.

As for me, I'm just going to pray for him and his family...they obviously need all the positive thoughts and energy they can get..........